Epic Guide

I just went to see the movie United 93.  Many people are saying that it is too soon for a movie about 9-11.  But after seeing this movie, I believe it is a necessary reminder.  I remember 9-11.  I remember the anger and sadness that I felt.  I remember the immediate patriotism.  I remember the stickers on the back of cars that said “we will never forget.”  But sadly, after 5 years, we have already forgotten.  This movie reminds you of what really happened and the evil of terrorism.

This movie was the most intense movie I have ever seen; in fact I would even venture to say that it isn’t a movie to see for entertainment.  It is a movie to see for patriotism.  Hell, a movie to see in the name of humanity.   Throughout the movie, no one spoke at all.  When I looked around, all I saw were tears.  When it was over, I was in a cold sweat and the entire theater was as quite as a funeral precession.  That is the impact it had.

The Truth is, it reminds you of what happened.  A group of terrorists murdered Americans.  THEY ATTACKED US.  Why?  Because they think that the Crusades are still going on.  But instead of the Christians attacking the Muslim world.  It is a militant Islamic sect that is attacking the Western world.  We support Israel, so they murder innocent civilians.  We don’t believe in oppressing women and making them cover their entire body, so they think we are immoral infidels who let our women dress like whores.  We are different than them, so they hate us.  THEY STARTED THIS WAR, and like it or not, we, as Westerners, are stuck in it. Next time I see an anti-war protest, I’m going to ask them if they saw this movie.  It is your obligation as an American to see this.

Where is the sin?  Man and man? Man and little boy? Man and dog? Man and premarital sex? Man and lust?

My thought is that the only biblically sanctioned sex is between and man that is married to a women.

So at what point do you get to say what a sin is or notm but I guess choice is where sin is found. So why is our society quick to look the other way, and change the rules? Why not just not call something what it is?

I can’t believe this is an issue. Mind your own business.

Abortions have been in the news a lot lately with the changes in the Supreme Court and with South Dakota’s new law. The problem I have with abortions is that having looked at some scientific evidence, it appears as though the developing fetus is indeed human…which is the question one must ask…. is a fetus human? And so I think it is, and so then I think removing fetuses (or feti) from the only environment they could survive in is essentially murder, (negligence at best). Nevertheless, this action is really really bad. Unfortunately changing laws isn’t going to solve the problem. What needs to happen is not legislation, but a spiritual awakening that represents ALL humans (even underdeveloped ones) as indeed valuable and worth preserving at all costs. No ifs ands or buts…no exceptions. It seems calloused to force certain people to have children…teenagers who were raped and became pregnant for example, but if the fetus is indeed a human, how much more wicked is it to exterminate its only chance at life? Should the sins of the father be weighed against the unborn?

The gospel of Judas is really really confusing, What’s even more confusing about it is the fact that many of the “secret” teachings of Jesus are still secrets because they were lost. The gospel is really valuable because it offers a re-visionist history of the passion events as early as the 2nd century! It’s teachings however, are classically Sethian, and not really relevant to any sort of popular Christianity. The idea of a Supreme Deity over and against the deity of this world deviates tremendously from modern and popular conceptions of God. I think the most valuable thing that the gospel offers is the idea of dualism that is, duality of soul and body. Certainly not a new concept, in fact it generally is frowned upon, however this gospel attaches this concept of duality to a panentheistic vision of God…which is unique. The Gospel of Judas asserts that there is a certain group of people (Sethians) who have a “divine spark” and that those people have been “entraped” by their physical bodies through the work of the rebellious God of the Jews. Which is why when Jesus asks Judas to turn him over to the authorities, he says, “You will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me.”

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with a California Winery to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Top 10 Names they are Market Testing

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the Number One name for Wal-Mart wine: 

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

My grandma sent me this email, so I don’t know who deserves credit.

Alright, here is the deal, I regretfully play World of Warcraft myself, but I found this video on a totally unrelated site. It cracks me up for two reasons, one- While its sad that someone died, The Warcraft nerds are actually having a funeral for an in-game friend. There is a procession line and all. Second, a rival faction actually attacks and kills them all during the funeral. Maybe I am an asshole like the guys who made this video, but I laughed through ut the whole thing. Its all one big bowl of ridiculousness. Here is the link to the video.

For anyone who doesnt know. The big thing on the internet now days is Chuck Norris. That being said, I decided to explore these Chuck Norris Facts. I found this great Chuck resource: ChuckNorrisFacts.com and decided to share some of the better ones. -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.

-Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

-Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

-The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

-Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

-Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

-Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

-What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

-Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

-Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris. -In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

-Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

-When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

-Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

-Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. -Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. -Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

-When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

-While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

-Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

-When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

-Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

-Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

I got this great email a few months ago concerning the history of French military victories. It’s funny, because it’s true.

“A Military History of France”

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all people, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War - Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.” (Note that the French entered this conflict in order to oppose Britain more than to aid the colonists.)

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. This and the Franco-Prussian War lead to the question, “Why was Paris designed with wide, tree-lined boulevards?” being answered with, “Because German soldiers like to march in the shade.”

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

(Balkans in the 1990’s- The Serbs stole an armored car from French peace keepers, who were in general making such a mess of it that the Americans had to go and sort things out. This would be that Second Rule again. Note that later in this conflict/peacekeeping mission, the French betrayed NATO plans to the same folks who stole their armored car.)

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Let’s face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They’ve been beaten so many times there’s no fight left in them.

There’s no national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France’s:

“To arms, to arms, ye brave!
The avenging sword unsheathe!
March on, march on, all hearts resolved
On liberty or death.
Oh liberty can man resign thee,
Once having felt thy generous flame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee?
Or whips thy noble spirit tame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame?”
(Yes, demonstrably).
Author: unknown

While walking in downtown Redlands, I came upon two storm troopers and a tie-fighter pilot.  This is all that seemed to happen in town recently.  Scott had to go to L.A., hopefully he didn’t drive his Ferrari too fast, but he is currently mounting a Technic Conspiracy.  Jeremy traveled to Boston, because he recently was accepted into Harvard’s School of Theology to work on his masters degree.  He needs more money, so if you want to help donate at his website.