Epic Guide|Mostly Harmless

I got this great email a few months ago concerning the history of French military victories. It’s funny, because it’s true.

“A Military History of France”

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all people, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War - Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.” (Note that the French entered this conflict in order to oppose Britain more than to aid the colonists.)

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. This and the Franco-Prussian War lead to the question, “Why was Paris designed with wide, tree-lined boulevards?” being answered with, “Because German soldiers like to march in the shade.”

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

(Balkans in the 1990’s- The Serbs stole an armored car from French peace keepers, who were in general making such a mess of it that the Americans had to go and sort things out. This would be that Second Rule again. Note that later in this conflict/peacekeeping mission, the French betrayed NATO plans to the same folks who stole their armored car.)

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Let’s face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They’ve been beaten so many times there’s no fight left in them.

There’s no national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France’s:

“To arms, to arms, ye brave!
The avenging sword unsheathe!
March on, march on, all hearts resolved
On liberty or death.
Oh liberty can man resign thee,
Once having felt thy generous flame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee?
Or whips thy noble spirit tame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame?”
(Yes, demonstrably).
Author: unknown

I was watching the news last night when I saw a story on the many demonstrations being held by illegal aliens through out the nation. After the initial thought: “There they all are, why aren’t the police arresting them?” I went on to think: “Why aren’t we protesting them?” It might be because we work… (That was a joke) But seriously why aren’t we protesting illegal aliens? You may have heard all the pro-illegal rhetoric on the news, like: (insert Mexican accent) “I just want help my family. Why is that illegal?” “We make the economy run, we do the jobs no one else will do.” and “America was founded on Immigration.” Now, while these are all great emotional rousing arguments, they have flaws. One, America was founded on LEGAL Immigration, hence the reason we have Ellis Island. Two, the jobs you do are jobs that no one will do because you do it below minimum wage, the business owners are breaking the law and making a bundle of cash because you do it for a few bucks cheaper. Personally, I wouldn’t work for $4 an hour; I can’t afford to do that because I don’t want to live share a bedroom with twenty other people. Furthermore, I know people would do those jobs because I know people who have, I know people who work fast food, I know people who work as janitors and I know people who mow other peoples lawns, all American citizens. Three, if you want to help your family, I am absolutely fine with people who move here LEGALLY, maybe you should do that.

But beyond all the emotional rhetoric, here are some of the facts. California alone pays over $10 billion dollars each year for healthcare, schooling and incarceration of illegal aliens. That is about $1500 per household. Furthermore, our economy is losing $20 billion dollars that is being sent to the corrupt government of Mexico, a place that would be a terrific place to live; full or farmable land and resources along with tourism, however there is one of the most corrupt governments in the world there. (For example take a look at the Tlatelolco Massacre where hundreds of students were killed with machine guns.) But beyond the corrupt government, there is a nice place to live, and the illegal aliens want to live there, they are only here to drain our economy then move back; hence the work Aliens.

Furthermore, 17% of all inmates in federal prison are illegal, and in 2004 illegals accounted for 95% of all outstanding homicide warrants in LA and two-thirds of all un-served felony warrants. Illegal Aliens have an enormous crime base, and make up plenty of the gang members in America.

Now on the flipside, 62% of illegals pay income tax and 66% do contribute to social security. Further more, only 56% of the total number of immigrants came from Mexico; however much of that 44% came from through Mexico from Central America, ironically it is a felony to be in Mexico illegally (apparently the Mexican government likes American money coming to them only.) Also 1/5 of all Mexican-born people live in the USA. And of the 11 to 12 millions illegal immigrants in America, two-thirds or 8 million have arrived in the last 10 years.

So here’s my idea. Congress wants to reward the Illegal Aliens who have lived here the longest by allowing them to stay. Honestly, that is incredibly retarded; we should not reward the criminals who have been breaking the law the longest. I say, if you have been paying taxes you will be aloud to apply for citizenship or a green card (I am being VERY lenient here). If you haven’t been paying taxes, you are gone. Then we build a wall, not a fence, but a wall that rivals the Great Wall of China. (Don’t worry; the $10 billion dollars we were spending should be able to pay for it.) We make being here illegally a felony. We encourage Mexico to reform its corruption. And we, along with the politicians should stop even caring about the illegal alien protests, they don’t vote and if you are not an American citizen you don’t have a say on American laws. Finally, we defiantly, absolutely should put it law that English is the national language, it’s getting to the point where I cant ever order a Big Mac without breaking out my high school Spanish book.

Beyond economics and laws, here is a quote that I found that, being from Southern California, made me smile, “As far as I’m concerned, anyone who comes here and makes the effort to become an American, and to subscribe to our ideals and values, is welcome. Those who prefer to maintain their primary allegiance to another country need to go back to that country, rather than trying to make mine a mirror image of the Third World hellhole they hated so much that they risked their lives to flee it.” - Dale Franks.

I got lots of my facts from AlphaPatriot.com.

So, I just went to V for Vendetta, and let me say, it is a relief to finally go to a good movie.  V for Vendetta is a movie about a 17th century-mask wearing terrorist who uses his knife skills to bring down a big-brother reminiscent society along with winning the heart of Natalie Portman after he shaves her head.  V for Vendetta is made by the Wachowski brothers, the same guys who made the matrix.  While I would give V for Vendetta a good grade, i do have one problem with it. 

The world of V for Vendetta is based on the pretences that a british conservative party snatched away control then used its power to make everyone conform to their standards.  While this part of the plot did not bother me, it bothers me that some people might actually think that is what the conservatives in our own country would seek to do.  Which is not true.  Many people think that conservatives, particullarly Republicans, are evil, if that were true, I would be the devil.  Last time I checked, i didnt have horns, and I am more pale than I am the color red.  For some reason, V for Vendetta, takes time to show how evil government hates gays and kills them, I dont hate them, I don’t want to eliminate them from Earth, just dont think they should get married.  This part of the movie seems more like a political jab than an actually nessessity to the movie.  The movie also points out that the government attacked themselves in order to scare the people into control.  It mirrors the very FICTIONAL Michael Moore film, Ferinheit 911.  This bugs me, for obvious reasons.  But I have to get back to work, the bottom line is, besides the political jabs, V for Vendetta kicks ass.  {I didnt feel like spell checking, feel free to do it yourself.}

These are the fish that Jon is so facinated about.

This is the Third class seating.

I watch the Spanish channel because there is nothing but hot chicks on it. I watch the Korean Channel because they do retarded things that are not blocked by the barriers of language. While I wish this channels had a english SAP option, I would not care about having a SAP if I could watch Japanese telivision. It seems that every clip of Japanese entertainment I see is ridiculously entertaining. Check out this footage I found of a guy who straped a balloon of compresed air to his back. The Rocketeer. There needs to be a solution to this lack of Japanese foolishness!

Now, I know that my truck (nicknamed “the Reaper”) has a mind of its own, but I found this car that is evil.  It’s a Ford Sportka. At first glance the car looks like a weenie car but watch the video and see its true evilness.  I found two video’s on the world wide web. Freaking hilarious.  Car vs. Cat.  Car vs. Bird.

The problem with Desperate Housewives is that the chicks are all to old and flabby that have to be injected with a pound of botox which makes them, along with Nichole Kidman, look like big foreheaded aliens.  I want some hot chicks on the show.

The Christian Science Monitor reported today that the majority of troops polled showed a desire to withdraw from Iraq within a year.  While at first glance this article may be surprising, as always you must look at it with slowly.  First off, look at the sourse: The Christian Science Monitor- a anti-war forerunner.  Even more biased is the poll which was funded by Le Moyne College’s Center for Peace and Global Studies.  Just look at the name and tell me that isnt biased.  Furthermore, Le Moyne College’s Center for Peace and Global Studies recieved its money for the project from an anonymous anti-war activist.  This article reaks of bias, and despite how polls make look offical, you can make a poll say whatever you want by asking the right question.  To contrast this, my personal experience with talking to soldiers, they all take the same position I expect.  They don’t want to be there, they hate it, but they know why they are there.

I must point out, even if it were true, I wouldnt care.  Marines are called Jarheads for a reason; they arent payed to think.

Link to Article 

I used to think I was addicted to video games; I have loved them my entire life.  Infact, I would venture to say that I have spent entire weekends playing video games. I have dicthed my friends to go play video games. I have even failed some classes due to video games.  But am I addicted today? 

Last night, I played Battlefield 2 over the internet with one of my buddies for about three hours.  Today, since I am back at home (woohoo…), my parents accused me of being addicted to video games.  I instantly responded with my standard reply for anything they ask: “nah.” But it got me thinking, am I addicted?  The answer came to me quickly: no.  But I still had to think, what would I be doing last night if I wasnt playing video games?  The answer, since it was a monday night and I had nothing to do, I would be watching TV; I would be doing something less mind consuming that playing videogames.  So, I then asked myself, how often do I play video games? The answer would be almost everyday.  But everytime I played video games fell under the same guidlines: I had nothing better to do, and its better than watching TV.  So I decided, I am not addicted; but just because I am not hook doesnt mean that video games aren’t virtual meth to others.

We all know at least one person who is hooked on gaming, typically the nerdy kids who spend all their time in their rooms with the door closed.  When I lived in the dorms, there were kids that I would only see very rarely on the way to the bathroom, the rest of their time was spent in hiding getting their virtual fix.  I have heard a story, maybe its an urban legend, of a guy that got so hooked on EverQuest that he lost his job, his wife took the kids and left him and he now works part-time just to support his gaming.  Right now, there are about four games that I really care about: Half Life 2 (which I don’t play right now because I am waiting for the expansion pack), Civilization III (I rarely play it, but I won’t give up on the game untill I conquer the French), Battlefield 2 (a fun game, but I usually play it with one of my friends [real life friends, for all you hardcore gamers wondering]), and World of Warcraft (a now pointless game that I  play in hopes that some day it will have a point).  Now the reason that I know that there are truely video game junkies is because as much as I play, I still do not compare to these people; here is a list why:  For one, they speak a language of acronyms that I can not begin to understand, and when I ask what they are saying, they make fun of me and call me a “noob.”  That of course makes me laugh, because what they are truely saying is that I am not a nerd.  For two, some of their best friends are online; I must admit that in warcraft, I do have a friends list of people I know only in the game.  I belong to a guild, and the other people my character in it.  But they all think I am a crack head because I dont give a crap about what they think, I act like a dumbass just to entertain myself, they are not real friends, they dont know anything about me. They only know me through a video game; it baffles me how someone could consider one of their best friends to be a level 60 gnome warlock named Balfazar and know nothing else about them.  For three, these people spend so much time on a game it loses its fun and becomes a repetitive motion.  Personally I play a game untill I beat it or untill I grow bored with it.  In Battlefield 2, there are players who spend the entire game in a jet flying in the same partern, dropping perfect bombs on people by doing the same thing every day for months.  What do they accomplish?  Nothing, there is no prize for it, there is no point for it.  I used to play Starcraft, when I played online against some hardcore gamers, the whole point was to see who could build the most guys the quickest then attack; it lost all its strategy and became a predetermend mechanical game of speed. Even worse is World of Warcraft.  My guild spends its friday and saturday nights running a dungeon called Molten Core which requires 40 men to do it.  I did this twice.  I have pledged not to waste my time in that manner ever again.  These hardcore gamers spend their entire night alone in there rooms wating for 39 other hardcore gamers who are also alone in their room to cooridinate an attack on one monster at a time.  The result is 3-5 hours of sitting around and 30 min of actual fighting for the mere hope of one of these monsters dropping a piece of armor for your specific class that you have to roll over against 4-8 other hardcore gamers of the same class, and the whole point of getting this piece of armor is so that you can be stronger for the next time you do the same dungeon with 39 other people; It isnt even fun at all.  When I played this dungeon, I quit half way through because I realized that I was giving up going to the bars socialize and hang out with real friends to play a game that makes Dungeons and Dragons look like a social event; at least you are in the same room with other people when you play Dungeons and Dragons instead of being a recluse.  That is when I realized that as much of a video game addict I may be, I am nothing in the slightest compaired to these hard core gamers.  The sad thing is, that there are a whole lot of them.