Epic Guide|Mostly Harmless

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with a California Winery to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Top 10 Names they are Market Testing

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the Number One name for Wal-Mart wine: 

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

My grandma sent me this email, so I don’t know who deserves credit.

Alright, here is the deal, I regretfully play World of Warcraft myself, but I found this video on a totally unrelated site. It cracks me up for two reasons, one- While its sad that someone died, The Warcraft nerds are actually having a funeral for an in-game friend. There is a procession line and all. Second, a rival faction actually attacks and kills them all during the funeral. Maybe I am an asshole like the guys who made this video, but I laughed through ut the whole thing. Its all one big bowl of ridiculousness. Here is the link to the video.

For anyone who doesnt know. The big thing on the internet now days is Chuck Norris. That being said, I decided to explore these Chuck Norris Facts. I found this great Chuck resource: ChuckNorrisFacts.com and decided to share some of the better ones. -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.

-Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

-When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

-Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

-The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

-Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

-Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

-Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

-What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

-Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

-Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris. -In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

-Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

-When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

-Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

-Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. -Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. -Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

-When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

-While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

-Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

-When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

-Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

-Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

I got this great email a few months ago concerning the history of French military victories. It’s funny, because it’s true.

“A Military History of France”

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all people, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War - Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.” (Note that the French entered this conflict in order to oppose Britain more than to aid the colonists.)

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. This and the Franco-Prussian War lead to the question, “Why was Paris designed with wide, tree-lined boulevards?” being answered with, “Because German soldiers like to march in the shade.”

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

(Balkans in the 1990’s- The Serbs stole an armored car from French peace keepers, who were in general making such a mess of it that the Americans had to go and sort things out. This would be that Second Rule again. Note that later in this conflict/peacekeeping mission, the French betrayed NATO plans to the same folks who stole their armored car.)

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Let’s face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache. They’ve been beaten so many times there’s no fight left in them.

There’s no national anthem in the world as ludicrous as France’s:

“To arms, to arms, ye brave!
The avenging sword unsheathe!
March on, march on, all hearts resolved
On liberty or death.
Oh liberty can man resign thee,
Once having felt thy generous flame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee?
Or whips thy noble spirit tame?
Can dungeons, bolts, and bars confine thee? Or whips thy noble spirit tame?”
(Yes, demonstrably).
Author: unknown

While walking in downtown Redlands, I came upon two storm troopers and a tie-fighter pilot.  This is all that seemed to happen in town recently.  Scott had to go to L.A., hopefully he didn’t drive his Ferrari too fast, but he is currently mounting a Technic Conspiracy.  Jeremy traveled to Boston, because he recently was accepted into Harvard’s School of Theology to work on his masters degree.  He needs more money, so if you want to help donate at his website.

I’ve been away for the birth of my second son, Mark. Here’s some great photos, www.jonburgess.com. So, all I found recently of any value is the top search of the word “Starwars” on Google photos. So I shall make this the Daily Random Picture.

I was watching the news last night when I saw a story on the many demonstrations being held by illegal aliens through out the nation. After the initial thought: “There they all are, why aren’t the police arresting them?” I went on to think: “Why aren’t we protesting them?” It might be because we work… (That was a joke) But seriously why aren’t we protesting illegal aliens? You may have heard all the pro-illegal rhetoric on the news, like: (insert Mexican accent) “I just want help my family. Why is that illegal?” “We make the economy run, we do the jobs no one else will do.” and “America was founded on Immigration.” Now, while these are all great emotional rousing arguments, they have flaws. One, America was founded on LEGAL Immigration, hence the reason we have Ellis Island. Two, the jobs you do are jobs that no one will do because you do it below minimum wage, the business owners are breaking the law and making a bundle of cash because you do it for a few bucks cheaper. Personally, I wouldn’t work for $4 an hour; I can’t afford to do that because I don’t want to live share a bedroom with twenty other people. Furthermore, I know people would do those jobs because I know people who have, I know people who work fast food, I know people who work as janitors and I know people who mow other peoples lawns, all American citizens. Three, if you want to help your family, I am absolutely fine with people who move here LEGALLY, maybe you should do that.

But beyond all the emotional rhetoric, here are some of the facts. California alone pays over $10 billion dollars each year for healthcare, schooling and incarceration of illegal aliens. That is about $1500 per household. Furthermore, our economy is losing $20 billion dollars that is being sent to the corrupt government of Mexico, a place that would be a terrific place to live; full or farmable land and resources along with tourism, however there is one of the most corrupt governments in the world there. (For example take a look at the Tlatelolco Massacre where hundreds of students were killed with machine guns.) But beyond the corrupt government, there is a nice place to live, and the illegal aliens want to live there, they are only here to drain our economy then move back; hence the work Aliens.

Furthermore, 17% of all inmates in federal prison are illegal, and in 2004 illegals accounted for 95% of all outstanding homicide warrants in LA and two-thirds of all un-served felony warrants. Illegal Aliens have an enormous crime base, and make up plenty of the gang members in America.

Now on the flipside, 62% of illegals pay income tax and 66% do contribute to social security. Further more, only 56% of the total number of immigrants came from Mexico; however much of that 44% came from through Mexico from Central America, ironically it is a felony to be in Mexico illegally (apparently the Mexican government likes American money coming to them only.) Also 1/5 of all Mexican-born people live in the USA. And of the 11 to 12 millions illegal immigrants in America, two-thirds or 8 million have arrived in the last 10 years.

So here’s my idea. Congress wants to reward the Illegal Aliens who have lived here the longest by allowing them to stay. Honestly, that is incredibly retarded; we should not reward the criminals who have been breaking the law the longest. I say, if you have been paying taxes you will be aloud to apply for citizenship or a green card (I am being VERY lenient here). If you haven’t been paying taxes, you are gone. Then we build a wall, not a fence, but a wall that rivals the Great Wall of China. (Don’t worry; the $10 billion dollars we were spending should be able to pay for it.) We make being here illegally a felony. We encourage Mexico to reform its corruption. And we, along with the politicians should stop even caring about the illegal alien protests, they don’t vote and if you are not an American citizen you don’t have a say on American laws. Finally, we defiantly, absolutely should put it law that English is the national language, it’s getting to the point where I cant ever order a Big Mac without breaking out my high school Spanish book.

Beyond economics and laws, here is a quote that I found that, being from Southern California, made me smile, “As far as I’m concerned, anyone who comes here and makes the effort to become an American, and to subscribe to our ideals and values, is welcome. Those who prefer to maintain their primary allegiance to another country need to go back to that country, rather than trying to make mine a mirror image of the Third World hellhole they hated so much that they risked their lives to flee it.” - Dale Franks.

I got lots of my facts from AlphaPatriot.com.

So, I just went to V for Vendetta, and let me say, it is a relief to finally go to a good movie.  V for Vendetta is a movie about a 17th century-mask wearing terrorist who uses his knife skills to bring down a big-brother reminiscent society along with winning the heart of Natalie Portman after he shaves her head.  V for Vendetta is made by the Wachowski brothers, the same guys who made the matrix.  While I would give V for Vendetta a good grade, i do have one problem with it. 

The world of V for Vendetta is based on the pretences that a british conservative party snatched away control then used its power to make everyone conform to their standards.  While this part of the plot did not bother me, it bothers me that some people might actually think that is what the conservatives in our own country would seek to do.  Which is not true.  Many people think that conservatives, particullarly Republicans, are evil, if that were true, I would be the devil.  Last time I checked, i didnt have horns, and I am more pale than I am the color red.  For some reason, V for Vendetta, takes time to show how evil government hates gays and kills them, I dont hate them, I don’t want to eliminate them from Earth, just dont think they should get married.  This part of the movie seems more like a political jab than an actually nessessity to the movie.  The movie also points out that the government attacked themselves in order to scare the people into control.  It mirrors the very FICTIONAL Michael Moore film, Ferinheit 911.  This bugs me, for obvious reasons.  But I have to get back to work, the bottom line is, besides the political jabs, V for Vendetta kicks ass.  {I didnt feel like spell checking, feel free to do it yourself.}

Google has a great April’s Fools Joke, new Google Romance.  Check is out at http://www.google.com/romance/tour.html